I24 – Backdoor Flap-jacking

I really need to find a definition for that, it’s too good not to use for *something*.

Insight: Not always a good thing.

The Good: 

“There’s a spoon in my milkshake… Oh, that’s my spoon.”

Celebrating birthdays, drunken flirting and shenanigans. Making eyes across the bar. The lights seem just that much brighter, the music just that much louder. The traces of smoke and perfumes linger. Just enough for a faint reminder, just enough to make me smile.

Sometimes you put a question out there and the universe answers. At least when it has to do with your own small part of it. Seeing people in a different setting than the original and learning that yes, Strawberry Whore-cake is still with Stupid Sparky.

It’s interesting what people will say about their friends. Some people are lucky (the bunicorn) whether they know it or not, they have incredibly loyal friends. That loyalty is, actually, hard to find. Sparky doesn’t seem to have that loyalty, and in my opinion he doesn’t deserve it anyway.

It seems to be shaping up to be a year of introspection, reflection and meditation rather than direct action. It’s only April. That could change.

Attractions, propositions, memories…

The Bad:

…temptations, yearnings, mistakes.

Oblivion really *IS* bliss. Usually you lose clarity when drinking or drunk. It can be very sobering to gain it.

The parade of flesh in the crowded, dark and smoky room. He “made it rain”. Those were only 1 dollar bills you fucking douchebag.

I’d forgotten how dark (depraved?) and savage that world could seem. It shouldn’t be that way. These beauties shouldn’t have to be in the dark, shouldn’t have to be ashamed of their grace and strength and vulnerability.

Jealousy: I wanted that dance. She knew that though and it was, sadly enough, a kindness she did me.

The Bunnyhunter caught a rather fine specimen but had to release him back into the wild. Too bad.

New crush, a girl this time. She’s hetero as far as I know and even if not, she’s involved. Funny that, it was almost one of my Couple Crushes! (I have a few couples I’d like to hook up with. It’s odd, at least for me. I guess I feel a couple is a safe way to explore because I don’t have to commit at all)

Again with seeing people I dislike. My choice to stay, to keep going, I guess. It was his place to go before mine…


The Ugly: 

The scrub is no bunny. He’s a little old for that role anyway, though he’s not yet a goat. I’mma say he’s a jackalope. A freaking loser. Can you NOT hit on my buddy at our table? I’m not jealous, but I am irritated. Yesh, I was cock-blocking. I mostly failed. Home-girl can hold her own though.

–>On clarity:
In the grande scheme of 42, nothing really matters much.

Seems like his main issue is pretty much my normal main issue, the one that for once wasn’t bothering me. I felt a pain deep inside. It shouldn’t have been a physical pain to hear that, but I kind of think I may have given up in that instant, even though I got advice to do the completely opposite. I haven’t given up completely, but I am wondering (again!) what the point is. It’s one of those situations for me where I just do not know what to do. Should I be persistent/assertive/aggressive and would it get me what I want? Do I even know what I want? Would it even be worth it? What if I put all that effort and time in and it wasn’t worth it? Would I even learn anything and do I want to learn that lesson?

I live so much of my life in fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change, fear of *pain.  I don’t know how to do anything different, but sometimes I want to try. Maybe my fear is too strong.

*Pain: My own or hurting others. I know I’m not a particularly nice person, but I try to be pleasant and courteous. I know I’ve hurt others, and I know I probably will again. I’d prefer to avoid it, however.
Lyric from a song by the Backstreet Boys: Don’t want to be alone tonight, what can I do to make you mine.
Theme Songs
  • I Don’t Wanna’ Be – Gavin DeGraw
  • Always – Atlantic Starr
  • Won’t Let Go – CMG

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