A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved.
The long drive home, Vegas aftermath
My side of the story.
No apologies. They won’t apologize to me for what they’ve done so I don’t see any reason to apologize for my reactions and behavior.
So this starts with my first (mini) interstate road trip as an adult. In the last post I mentioned how the traveling groups had to be rearranged due to Girlfriend #2 and The Guy not getting along anymore. (I wish I had seen more of what happened during the vacation.) This is what happened next.
Mostly it was very tiring. We talked the whole way and I never managed to settle down long enough to sleep much. And this after getting up at 9 in the morning the last day in Nevada so we could check out of the hotel on time. It seemed like a good trip. We got along just fine. I felt like we were starting to get to know each other a little. I already had a bit of an infatuation with TG since meeting him about a week prior to the trip.
(Side note: My particular combination of mental disorders and illness and my personality seem to have the rather unfortunate effect that I become very quickly and intensely attached to people, especially those I’m romantically attracted to. It feeds that “high” I’ve spoken of here before.)
We spent most of the next couple weeks together back in my home state immediately following the trip. I truly
thought believed that he really liked me and was beginning to care a little for me. (I never expect anyone to return the feelings I have for them since I know how disproportionate it always is.)
So I was not at all prepared for what had to have been the most complete and utterly soul-crushing rejection I have EVER received. I was so overwhelmed (and also I might have been coming down from an illicit substance that week) that I started shaking and was so cold. I couldn’t get warm or stop shaking for hours. I couldn’t stop sobbing either. To his (only?) credit, he did stay near me until I started to come out of it. I think he was afraid I might do something to harm myself. If that’s so, he wasn’t wrong. I know if he had actually walked out right then, I would have FINALLY given in and given up.
It’s a struggle every single day to resist the temptation to go out, just lay down on the train tracks by my house, and wait for the light rail to roll over my head.
I managed to find a friend to chat with online and she helped me calm down too. I saw him briefly a couple days later when the core group went out to a bar downtown for karaoke. I drank tequila, so there are many parts of that night I can’t remember. I do remember people throwing up in parks and arguments in the burger king parking lot. I tried to get him to speak to me, but he wouldn’t come near me. I ended up drunk on my mother’s couch at 3 or 4am in the morning. (And a KILLER hangover the next day.)
For the next two weeks, I spent every night crying myself to sleep over what he’d said and did. After the first few days of not seeing him again, I started to wonder if he really did care at all, since he never came by again to see if I was still OK. I basically started feeling a kind of withdrawal from NOT having him around. It’s so weird, I know. I’m not sure what else was going on during this period, because I barely got out of bed. I stopped going to work and I lost about ten pounds and didn’t notice. (I’ve since gained that back, figures.)
Towards the end of this time, I found out that he shoved my friend. “Katie”, I’ll call her for ease. Around the same time I found out about this, I found out that he had actually wanted to speak to me, but his roommate had persuaded him not to contact me or come by. The first reason she gave was that he was scared of me and the second reason she gave is because she didn’t know what I’d do… (her words, and yes she knows about my illnesses and she kind of had a point, as you will see)
I found out more about his treatment of Katie and that she was pleading with the management of the business she was assaulted outside of to have them view the security cameras. They kept ignoring her and blowing her off. (As far as I know, they still are.) So I went on Facebook to see if I could find his page, if he had one, and did a Google search to see if he had any other criminal acts anywhere, including here and his home state. He does, actually, both an old Facebook profile and a criminal history. I also saw his mother’s Facebook, as she was on his friend list right there to the left of the screen and she had pictures of him and his children posted publicly. I told his roommate about what I had found and sent her the links. Interestingly enough, she somehow found how old The Guy’s mom is and that info isn’t on her about page on Facebook. (so… wouldn’t that be considered stalking, since that’s what they say I did??)
So my next encounter with The Guy did not go well. I don’t know why I thought it would be OK, but I agreed to go out with him and the roommate to our usual karaoke bar. I guess I thought we were all still friends, but unknown to me at the time, the roommate had shared the information I had found with TG. (She denied this out of her ass for two weeks but admitted Saturday night that yes she did show it to him, but only because she was drunk. O….K? That doesn’t make it better.) He waited until I was stoned off my ass (legal recreational pot, yo! Colorful Colorado) and then got really nasty and did that back-talk/loud talk thing while storming away. “…pictures of my son that I haven’t seen and miss and I bet it’s all HER fault!” he pointed at me and then stormed out of the bar.
Apparently, this is how it started with Katie as well. So all that night I got to put up with snide comments that he only said when no one was paying attention or when I was alone smoking a cigarette outside. “Stalker Stalker Stalker…” OK, it’s fucking FACEBOOK, you fucking asshole and NO You do NOT have the right to be angry because I didn’t look your dumb ass up until AFTER you physically ASSAULTED my friend.
Stress and Drama and Violence (mostly violence on my part, but not all of it.)
So I pretty much gave the roommate the ultimatum that I could not be her friend or around her if she continued to let him live in her home. (which only started about a week or two before the Vegas trip). She just kept claiming that he’s not violent or malicious but just stupid. I wonder if he realizes how much she tells people how stupid and ditzy he is. (He’s a pothead yes, and a bit forgetful but he is NOT AT ALL stupid. He has even admitted to me that he plays dumb to keep people’s expectations low.) She didn’t seem to care as she kept (and keeps) showing up to the bar with him.
I don’t understand. I really don’t care about the rejection thing, that was between him and I. (even though she saw fit to try to keep us apart even though it wasn’t any of her business, that part, anyway.) When he started to get actually nasty with me and then not only DENIED the assault on Katie but then threatened her when her friends asked him about it, well that was when I freaking LOST IT.
I should not have hit him with the pool cue. I admit that. I didn’t hit him (very) hard or even anywhere dangerous. It was across his shoulder blades and he’s not a small dude. I was wrong to do that. But he was even more wrong to run up BEHIND Katie and start in on how it was all her fault. I truly do not know what else he said to her because she ran away from him. That is “threatening” to me. So yeah, I reacted inappropriately by chasing him around the bar and screaming like a banshee. It’s a good thing I’m fat and he’s agile, and that the door guy/bouncer is very fast, because I’m quite sure I would have seriously hurt him. Or I would have tried anyway. I was beyond angry and into pure rage.
I found The Guy’s mother’s phone number through Facebook (and Google, it was so easy. People are just not cautious in what they share) and left a very nasty (and probably disturbing) message. His mother seems to be a very nice lady. She sent a long text message back the next day expressing her concern for the situation and her concern for her son. She just wants him to come home and sober up. (As far as I know, he doesn’t drink, but he does smoke a lot of marijuana.) This led to a phone call from his ex-wife a few days later. She was also very nice and concerned for him. So I gave her all the information I had on where to find him.
So this week my friend Katie and I go barhopping a few times and stop by the bar. We hadn’t seen TG in a while so we figured we’d be safe to stop in for a nightcap, but lo and behold, there he is with the roommate. We immediately left, but I was so irritated, I left a really nasty sarcastic text message for the roommate. Her response quite enraged me and I flipped out, again. I called her and screamed at her and called her a cunt, then blocked her on Facebook. (It’s so not the nastiest thing I could have said. Because something worse almost was said, but hey) I also quit my temporary side job with another former (mutual) friend of ours, leaving her in quite the lurch, I guess, but the roommate really shouldn’t have brought her in. The other girl then straight up lied to me in her message about a problem with her and Katie even though I was there and saw everything (apparently I was hallucinating, even though I was not the one high that night).
The end result of all this is, I’m no longer going to be patronizing that establishment, even though I was not officially banned from coming in. Katie can go and be safe, if she arrives there before him (as long as he’s still in this state, obviously,) then he cannot go in. If he gets there first, well then she can’t go in, but yeah, it’s better than nothing. I only have about 2 or 3 people I know from there that I even consider friends anymore, that I’m still willing to talk to or that are still willing to speak to me. The rest are all friends of the roommate or only casual acquaintances . (This is especially crushing to me because just at the start of all this, I was all awed and amazed that I finally actually had friends! PLURAL!)
Edit to include new information: Apparently the partial ban was only temporary, as the guy was allowed into the bar after Katie was already there last night. So, no more safe nights.
I guess we will have to try to find somewhere else for her to go that is as conveniently located and has similar features.
Burnin’ Bridges. Where’s that lighter again?
And honestly, it just doesn’t matter. I don’t WANT to be around people that lie and cheat and manipulate and gossip and condone abuse to women. I don’t WANT to be around people that are toxic and selfish. I’m not going to say that I behaved well or reacted appropriately in this situation. There are probably many more mistakes I made then the ones I noticed. I have always owned up to being a bully and probably yes, abusive myself. I at least TRY to change. I try to recognize when I’m doing it. I don’t always catch it but I do try to listen when people tell me about my behaviors. (It’s actually quite rare anymore that anyone does so in a constructive manner. Mostly they just gossip how I’m scary and crazy or whatever.)
Like I said at the beginning, I’m not making any apologies, not this time.
I’m too tired. I’m tired of this kind of shit happening. I’m tired of dealing with other people’s bullshit. I’m tired of making and losing friends. I’m tired of having my heart broken, romantic and platonic love. I’m just too tired.